New and Wonderful World

Recovering From the Inside Out

It was one of those great throwback moments over coffee with a friend in recovery. We were deep in a conversation about the fruits of recovery, and he quoted a passage from the Big Book that I’d not thought about in years.

“Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter your present circumstances.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous

Both my long-time sponsors, Patrick K and Sam D, had discussed this with me many times over the years. Each of them had a slightly different understanding but the gist of it was the same:

Our circumstances have no real bearing on the lives and recovery we experience.

What they both meant was that our inner state and conscious contact can transform the way we see and feel. When we perceive things differently, they don’t change, but we do. It’s the “new pair of glasses” that Chuck Chamberlain wrote about with such clarity.

Furthermore, both Patrick and Sam would remind me and others that the purpose of the Twelve Steps practiced over time is to change us from the inside out. We don’t change our behavior, we experience a psychic change which then can profoundly alter how we see, feel and act. Sam liked to say:

“Recovery is not a behavior or self-improvement program.

It’s for us to be ‘amended,’ changed in profound ways.” 

Granted, when we are first clean and sober, we do everything we can to stop drinking and drugging, and to clean up our affairs. Yet that is only the starting point. After all, it turns out we are powerless over so many of the challenges and difficulties we face, even after we are sober. Eventually, that reality brings us to the deeper application of the Twelve Steps and the principles of recovery. It may even take us far beyond what we imagined would need our attention.

Eventually we will likely find our way to the idea of “emotional sobriety,” which is not the management of our emotions, rather a profound inner change that results in outer balance in any number of ways. (See our video workshops to learn more about emotional sobriet.)

This leads me to a powerful affirmation that came to me as a result of these recovery explorations with sponsors, advisors, therapists and friends.

“Thank you that my well-being is not dependent on any one or any thing.” 

Imagine that, ultimately that “new and wonderful world” to which the Big Book points is indeed not dependent on circumstances.

What a promise and what a gift!

Causes and Conditions

Powerlessness versus Unmanageability 

by Chris A.

This has been years in sobriety in the making, which is so humbling. Then again, we can’t learn something new without being on the journey of recovery. So first, let’s define this issue.

Powerlessness: The state of lacking the authority, capacity, or resources to control or influence events, one’s circumstances, or oneself. It is an absence of agency that frequently leads to feelings of hopelessness, frustration and vulnerability.

Unmanageability: The state of being difficult or impossible to control, handle or direct. It describes situations, behaviors, or systems that have been spiraling out of control and resist attempts at order, manipulation, or resolution.

This is very interesting indeed. I experience powerlessness every day. There is much of the world, my surroundings (including people, places, and things), and quite often my reactions where I experience powerlessness, where I lack the capacity or resources to control daily events into my favor. The higher the stakes of the outcome to which I expect, or believe I need to happen, the higher the probability that I experience frustration, anger, fear, or resentment. Those are the symptoms. The cause is powerlessness.

What’s still more interesting is that unmanageability is focused on the word “being” in the first person. I am the one who has become difficult to control or handle. When triggered, I am at risk of deploying a variety of tactics and behaviors to control and manipulate the situations into the expected or desired outcome. My actions are proof that I am operating in a system that says, “I am not okay, unless the situation shifts to my expectations.” Since I’m powerless over so much, it’s a given that trying to manage those thing will run amok.

At base level, the logic holds together. I bump into the world (throughout any day I experience). The world appears threatening (undesired outcome). Under the surface (unconsciously), I make a decision based on self that the situation is unacceptable. I begin to control and manipulate toward my desired outcome (safety).

The error in my logic (again often unconscious), is believing that “I am not okay” with the current situation and outcome. While 100% acceptance of the current situation is the answer, I’m usually triggered into the dark side (not okay unless) by the time that realization strikes.

From this perspective, unmanageability can become a powerful (pun intended) tool that can awaken me to a process that leaves me connected and at ease, regardless of the outcome. The process often includes the following:

• Becoming Aware of controlling behaviors (playing God, being unmanageable).

• Pausing behavior (stop controlling and manipulating).

• Telling the Truth (the problem is not the situation on the outside), but the state of being on the inside).

• Asking for Help (drives vulnerability and connection with others and God).

• Cleaning up any Harms (in the event I’ve bitten the other children on the playground).

• Turning myself to Others (action that supports 100% Acceptance).

In short, powerlessness is normal and a part of everyday life. Unmanageability is the creation of confusion and also spiraling and unchecked emotions.

*****

Yesterday I experienced a handful of situations of powerlessness: my spouse’s surgery (and with timing my inability to be there, not feeling well personally, and three work situations that did not “go my way.” By 4:45 pm, I became aware of being triggered into a state of unmanageability. I practiced the first three bullets above before the end of the night. Then I focused on the fourth and sixth bullets this next morning. (Thankfully there was no need for the fifth bullet.)

*****

This process seems like it will be a lifetime practice for me. I’m grateful to understand the difference in powerlessness and unmanageability today. Especially the implications of each and how they play out in my day-to-day life.

Powerlessness does not mean helplessness or hopelessness. And it doesn’t mean to get power. Unmanageability is the sign that tells me I need a new playbook. That’s the program of recovery.

More Will Be Revealed

Progressive Understanding

The meeting of my home group started off in typical fashion. The discussion leader focused in on the Serenity Prayer, and I settled in for what I expected to be the usual stories and comments that I’d heard for many years. Yet on this day I was surprised, either because something new was revealed, or maybe I was just able to hear in a new way. As an aside, my long-time spiritual advisor often reminds me that we have a tendency to fall into complacency, not out of choice, rather because of the routine. It’s not unique to recovering people, it’s a human pattern. 

My eyes were closed as I tried to eliminate distractions so I could listen more carefully.

Truth be told, I’m not sure who said what, or why it affected me as it did. Isn’t that all too common? Awareness or insight arriving on its own terms? Just like life on life’s terms?

Thankfully, after many years of my sponsor telling me to write things down else I’d lose them, as soon as the thought arose, I opened my eyes and my journal and captured it quickly. A good friend in recovery calls this a “smack to the side of the head.” It came as a question, not an answer.

What about willingness to change or be changed?

My thoughts raced ... Is that a gap in the Serenity Prayer? No disagreement on acceptance, courage and wisdom, which are all rock solid. But if psychic change is the solution we need, not just to stop drinking or drugging or whatever, but with the challenges we invariably face with ourselves in recovery, don’t we also need to cooperate regardless of acceptance or courage? Where does that willingness come from? Or what happens to our unwillingness? What if we have no clue that we are clinging or resisting? What if that kind of self-will, or self-sufficiency, or self-reliance is the real problem? What if praying for a solution to what troubles us misses the mark, because what we really need is to be relieved of what blocks us off? What if emotional sobriety is not just a good psychological state, but the result of freedom that comes when we allow change to come to us? 

Another thought arose in that moment.

“Always remember that an amend means to change or be changed.” ~ Sam D.

Suddenly, the rush of thoughts became very still. I knew something had shifted deep inside me. I breathed deeply as it settled within.

I raised my hand, and a few minutes later the group leader called on me. I laughed before I spoke, a sign of humility and centering.

“I just realized something. Forty years of recovery, and I just saw that acceptance and courage are not sufficient. An addition to my wisdom needs to be willingness to change or be changed, or maybe better still, as Sam often mentioned to me during all those years of sponsorship, the ability to see and let go of my unwillingness.” I paused for a moment. “Okay, maybe I’ve seen that before, but I can’t remember it. So I need to say it out loud. Feel free to remind me."

Personal Experience in Recovery

The Power of Story

Once we arrive in the rooms of recovery, it quickly becomes clear that storytelling is a central practice. Whether it’s the stories we encounter in the literature, shared in speaker meetings and recordings, or told in our own voices during a 5th Step with a sponsor, spiritual advisor, or trusted friend, there is something uniquely powerful about giving voice to our lived experiences.

Carl Jung, the renowned psychologist whose work influenced some of Bill W.’s thinking - and later found its way into the Twelve Steps and the Big Book—concluded that stories are essential. He observed, “Transformation [i.e., psychic change] only happens in the presence of story, myth, and image, not primarily through rational arguments.” This is why the weaving together of the principles in the Steps, the insistence on telling our stories, and the connection found in community are all foundational to recovery.

The Progressive Recovery content is rich with stories from many different angles and vantage points. As described above, we have woven together narrative with more rational material, and it all works together. Stories offer us a powerful lens through which to view our lives, our recovery, and ourselves. It’s no wonder we so often hear in the rooms that, at some point, someone will “tell our story.” Likewise, we are encouraged to relate rather than compare. This emphasis on story is nothing new—human history itself has been carried forward through oral traditions. We are, in a very real sense, born to be immersed in story.

Fiction as a Pathway

A number of years ago, through an unexpected interaction with a serial killer who was soon to be executed for his crimes, Ron was compelled to tell part of that story. A Killer’s Grace emerged, driven by its lead character, Kevin Pitcairn - a man deeply engaged in recovery from alcoholism, actively involved in AA, and supported by a wise sponsor and several spiritual advisors. The novel weaves together a plot that is at once worldly, recovery-based, and profoundly spiritual.

That story proved compelling to people of all backgrounds while remaining especially relatable to those in recovery. Ron would occasionally acknowledge that it was, in part, biographical - an exploration of his own journey through the lens of fiction. When readers and reviewers suggested there was more story yet to be told, the Saga of Grace series was born.

The truth is, the arc of the plot (A Killer’s Grace, The Dark Side of Grace, and The Reckoning of Grace) is, in fact, a story of progressive recovery. Through Kevin Pitcairn, we witness a journey from alcoholism, through trauma, into post-traumatic growth, and ultimately into spiritual transcendence. His path also reflects a movement from darkness into ever-greater degrees of light—a reflection of the evolving spiritual experience many of us have known.

It was also fueled by a comment Ron once received from a friend in recovery. Mikey said, “Damn it! If grace doesn’t include the ugly stuff, then it ain’t grace.” One reviewer - a minister - echoed that sentiment, adding, “This ain’t yo’ mama’s grace.”

And so, the Saga of Grace series mirrors our own experience - an interplay of darkness and light, and perhaps a pathway toward deeper spiritual growth and development.

Ron concluded, “In creating this story, somehow I advanced my own understanding and recovery. Others have told me it was useful to them as well.”

“No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous