Causes and Conditions

Powerlessness versus Unmanageability 

by Chris A.

This has been years in sobriety in the making, which is so humbling. Then again, we can’t learn something new without being on the journey of recovery. So first, let’s define this issue.

Powerlessness: The state of lacking the authority, capacity, or resources to control or influence events, one’s circumstances, or oneself. It is an absence of agency that frequently leads to feelings of hopelessness, frustration and vulnerability.

Unmanageability: The state of being difficult or impossible to control, handle or direct. It describes situations, behaviors, or systems that have been spiraling out of control and resist attempts at order, manipulation, or resolution.

This is very interesting indeed. I experience powerlessness every day. There is much of the world, my surroundings (including people, places, and things), and quite often my reactions where I experience powerlessness, where I lack the capacity or resources to control daily events into my favor. The higher the stakes of the outcome to which I expect, or believe I need to happen, the higher the probability that I experience frustration, anger, fear, or resentment. Those are the symptoms. The cause is powerlessness.

What’s still more interesting is that unmanageability is focused on the word “being” in the first person. I am the one who has become difficult to control or handle. When triggered, I am at risk of deploying a variety of tactics and behaviors to control and manipulate the situations into the expected or desired outcome. My actions are proof that I am operating in a system that says, “I am not okay, unless the situation shifts to my expectations.” Since I’m powerless over so much, it’s a given that trying to manage those thing will run amok.

At base level, the logic holds together. I bump into the world (throughout any day I experience). The world appears threatening (undesired outcome). Under the surface (unconsciously), I make a decision based on self that the situation is unacceptable. I begin to control and manipulate toward my desired outcome (safety).

The error in my logic (again often unconscious), is believing that “I am not okay” with the current situation and outcome. While 100% acceptance of the current situation is the answer, I’m usually triggered into the dark side (not okay unless) by the time that realization strikes.

From this perspective, unmanageability can become a powerful (pun intended) tool that can awaken me to a process that leaves me connected and at ease, regardless of the outcome. The process often includes the following:

• Becoming Aware of controlling behaviors (playing God, being unmanageable).

• Pausing behavior (stop controlling and manipulating).

• Telling the Truth (the problem is not the situation on the outside), but the state of being on the inside).

• Asking for Help (drives vulnerability and connection with others and God).

• Cleaning up any Harms (in the event I’ve bitten the other children on the playground).

• Turning myself to Others (action that supports 100% Acceptance).

In short, powerlessness is normal and a part of everyday life. Unmanageability is the creation of confusion and also spiraling and unchecked emotions.

*****

Yesterday I experienced a handful of situations of powerlessness: my spouse’s surgery (and with timing my inability to be there, not feeling well personally, and three work situations that did not “go my way.” By 4:45 pm, I became aware of being triggered into a state of unmanageability. I practiced the first three bullets above before the end of the night. Then I focused on the fourth and sixth bullets this next morning. (Thankfully there was no need for the fifth bullet.)

*****

This process seems like it will be a lifetime practice for me. I’m grateful to understand the difference in powerlessness and unmanageability today. Especially the implications of each and how they play out in my day-to-day life.

Powerlessness does not mean helplessness or hopelessness. And it doesn’t mean to get power. Unmanageability is the sign that tells me I need a new playbook. That’s the program of recovery.